fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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