you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
