you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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