I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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