I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
