walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
