i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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