I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
