My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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