i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
