Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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