I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just found puke in my bra..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
