Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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