I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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