have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize