My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
