I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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