can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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