This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
