dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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