why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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