i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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