We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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