I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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