I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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