I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
