In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
