dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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