Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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