woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
