wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
