I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
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