don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
At least life still wants to fuck me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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