I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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