It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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