Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
