I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
