Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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