You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
