Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
