I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
