I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
false alarm. still invincible.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
