I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
