I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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