I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
