gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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