Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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