maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize