the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
