I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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