someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
