just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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