I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
