using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
