I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's blow job season.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
