bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
