If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
